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Season 1 Sep. 21, 2003
- Episode 1: Pilot
- Episode 2: Big Flappy Bastards
- Episode 3: Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell
- Episode 4: If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song I'm Going to Take a Nap
- Episode 5: The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up With a Hump
- Episode 6: Did You Check With the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?
- Episode 7: If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake
- Episode 8: Twenty-Five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snoot-ful
- Episode 9: Phase One, Complete
- Episode 10: Merry Thanksgiving
- Episode 11: Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor
- Episode 12: Camel Filters + Pheromones
- Episode 13: Sara Like Puny Alan
- Episode 14: I Can't Afford Hyenas
- Episode 15: Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick
- Episode 16: That Was Saliva, Alan
- Episode 17: Ate The Hamburgers, Wearing The Hats
- Episode 18: An Old Flame With a New Wick
- Episode 19: I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You
- Episode 20: Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark
- Episode 21: No Sniffing, No Wowing
- Episode 22: My Doctor has a Cow Puppet
- Episode 23: Just Like Buffalo
- Episode 24: Can You Feel My Finger?
Season 2 Sep. 20, 2004
- Episode 1: Back Off Mary Poppins
- Episode 2: Enjoy Those Garlic Balls
- Episode 3: A Bag Full of Jawea
- Episode 4: Go Get Mommy's Bra
- Episode 5: Bad News from the Clinic
- Episode 6: The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance
- Episode 7: A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana
- Episode 8: Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers
- Episode 9: Yes, Monsignor
- Episode 10: The Salmon Under My Sweater
- Episode 11: Last Chance to See Those Tattoos
- Episode 12: A Lungful of Alan
- Episode 13: Get Off My Hair
- Episode 14: Those Big Pink Things with Coconut
- Episode 15: Smell the Umbrella Stand
- Episode 16: Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth?
- Episode 17: Woo-Hoo, A Hernia-Exam!
- Episode 18: It Was Mame, Mom
- Episode 19: A Low, Gutteral Tongue-Flapping Noise
- Episode 20: I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey
- Episode 21: A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On
- Episode 22: That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother
- Episode 23: Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab
- Episode 24: Does This Smell Funny to You?
Season 3 Sep. 19, 2005
- Episode 1: Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts
- Episode 2: Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover
- Episode 3: Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark
- Episode 4: Your Dismissive Attidude Towards Boobs
- Episode 5: We Called It Mr. Pinky
- Episode 6: Hi, Mr. Horned One
- Episode 7: Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop
- Episode 8: That Voodoo That I Do Do
- Episode 9: Madame and Her Special friend
- Episode 10: Something Salted and Twisted
- Episode 11: Santa's Village of the Damned
- Episode 12: That Special Tug
- Episode 13: Humiliation is a Visual Medium
- Episode 14: Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded
- Episode 15: My Tongue is Meat
- Episode 16: Ergo, The Booty Call
- Episode 17: The Unfortunate Little Schnauser
- Episode 18: The Spit-Covered Cobbler
- Episode 19: Golly Moses, She's A Muffin
- Episode 20: Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro
- Episode 21: And the Plot Moistens
- Episode 22: Just Once With Aunt Sophie
- Episode 23: Arguments for the Quickie
- Episode 24: That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite
Season 4 Sep. 18, 2006
- Episode 1: Working for Caligula
- Episode 2: Who's Vod Kanockers?
- Episode 3: The Sea is a Harsh Mistress
- Episode 4: A Pot Smoking Monkey
- Episode 5: A Live Woman of Proven Fertility
- Episode 6: Apologies for the Frivolity
- Episode 7: Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head
- Episode 8: Release the Dogs
- Episode 9: Corey's Been Dead For an Hour
- Episode 10: Kissing Abraham Lincoln
- Episode 11: Walnuts and Demerol
- Episode 12: Castrating Sheep in Montana
- Episode 13: Don't Worry, Speed Racer
- Episode 14: That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami
- Episode 15: My Damn Stalker
- Episode 16: Young People Have Phlegm Too
- Episode 17: I Merely Slept With a Commie
- Episode 18: It Never Rains in Hooterville
- Episode 19: Smooth as a Ken Doll
- Episode 20: Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot
- Episode 21: Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous
- Episode 22: Mr. McGlue's Feedbag
- Episode 23: Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-lookin
- Episode 24: Prostitutes and Gelato
Season 5 Sep. 24, 2007
- Episode 1: Large Birds, Spiders and Mom
- Episode 2: Media Room Slash Dungeon
- Episode 3: Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo
- Episode 4: City of Great Racks
- Episode 5: Putting Swim Fins on a Cat
- Episode 6: Help Daddy Find His Toenail
- Episode 7: The Leather Gear is in the Guest Room
- Episode 8: Is There a Mrs. Waffles?
- Episode 9: Shoes, Hats, Pickle, Jar Lids.
- Episode 10: Kinda Like Necrophilia
- Episode 11: Meander to Your Dander
- Episode 12: A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh
- Episode 13: The Soil is Moist
- Episode 14: Winky-Dink Time
- Episode 15: Rough Night in Hump Junction (aka His Ugly Bundle)
- Episode 16: Look At Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty
- Episode 17: Fish in a Drawer
- Episode 18: If My Hole Could Talk
- Episode 19: Waiting for the Right Snapper
Season 6 Sep. 22, 2008
- Episode 1: Taterhead is Our Love Child
- Episode 2: Pie Hole, Herb
- Episode 3: Damn You, Eggs Benedict
- Episode 4: The Flavin' and the Mavin'
- Episode 5: A Jock Strap in Hell
- Episode 6: It's Always Nazi Week (1)
- Episode 7: Best H.O. Money Can Buy
- Episode 8: Pinocchio's Mouth
- Episode 9: The Mooch At The Boo
- Episode 10: He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited
- Episode 11: The Devil's Lube
- Episode 12: Thank God for Scoliosis
- Episode 13: I Think You Offended Don
- Episode 14: David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie
- Episode 15: I'd Like to Start With the Cat
- Episode 16: She'll Still Be Dead At Halftime
- Episode 17: The 'Ocu' Or The 'Pado'?
- Episode 18: My Son's Enormous Head
- Episode 19: The Two Finger Rule
- Episode 20: Hello, I Am Alan Cousteau
- Episode 21: Above Exalted Cyclops
- Episode 22: Sir Lancelot's Litter Box
- Episode 23: Good Morning, Mrs. Butterworth
- Episode 24: Baseball with Better Steroids
Season 7 Sep. 21, 2009
- Episode 1: 818-jklpuzo
- Episode 2: Whipped Unto the Third Generation
- Episode 3: Mmm, Fish. Yum.
- Episode 4: Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator
- Episode 5: For the Sake of the Child
- Episode 6: Give Me Your Thumb
- Episode 7: Untainted by Filth
- Episode 8: Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle.
- Episode 9: Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair
- Episode 10: That's Why They Call It Ball Room
- Episode 11: Warning, It's Dirty
- Episode 12: Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste
- Episode 13: Yay, No Polyps!
- Episode 14: Crude and Uncalled For (1)
- Episode 15: Aye, Aye, Captain Douche (2)
- Episode 16: Tinkle Like a Princess
- Episode 17: I Found Your Moustache
- Episode 18: Ixnay on the Oggie Day
- Episode 19: Keith Moon Is Vomiting in His Grave
- Episode 20: I Called Him Magoo
- Episode 21: Gumby with a Pokey
- Episode 22: This is Not Gonna End Well
Season 8 Sep. 20, 2010
- Episode 1: Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud
- Episode 2: A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer
- Episode 3: A Pudding-Filled Cactus
- Episode 4: Hookers, Hookers, Hookers
- Episode 5: The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel
- Episode 6: Twanging Your Magic Clanger
- Episode 7: The Crazy Bitch Gazette
- Episode 8: Springtime on a Stick
- Episode 9: A Good Time In Central Africa
- Episode 10: Ow, Ow, Don't Stop
- Episode 11: Dead From the Waist Down
- Episode 12: Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead
- Episode 13: Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup
- Episode 14: Lookin' for Japanese Subs
- Episode 15: Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak
- Episode 16: That Darn Priest
Season 9 Sep. 19, 2011
- Episode 1: Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt
- Episode 2: People Who Love Peepholes
- Episode 3: Big Girls Don't Throw Food
- Episode 4: Nine Magic Fingers
- Episode 5: A Giant Cat Holding Churro
- Episode 6: The Squat and The Hover
- Episode 7: Those Fancy Japanese Toilets
- Episode 8: Thank You For The Intercourse
- Episode 9: Frodo's Headshots
- Episode 10: Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes
- Episode 11: A Lovely Landing Strip
- Episode 12: One False Move, Zimbabwe!
- Episode 13: Slowly and in a Circular Fashion
- Episode 14: A Possum on Chemo
- Episode 15: The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack
- Episode 16: Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy
- Episode 17: Not In My Mouth
- Episode 18: The War Against Gingivitis
- Episode 19: Palmdale, Ech
- Episode 20: Grandma's Pie
- Episode 21: Mr. Hose Says Yes
- Episode 22: Why We Gave Up Women
- Episode 23: The Straw In My Donut Hole
- Episode 24: Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!
Season 10 Sep. 27, 2012
- Episode 1: I Changed My Mind About the Milk
- Episode 2: A Big Bag of Dog
- Episode 3: Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt
- Episode 4: You Do Know What The Lollipop Is For
- Episode 5: That's Not What They Call It In Amsterdam
- Episode 6: Ferrets, Attack!
- Episode 7: Avoid the Chinese Mustard
- Episode 8: Something My Gynecologist Said
- Episode 9: I Scream When I Pee
- Episode 10: One Nut Johnson
- Episode 11: Give Santa a Tail-Hole
- Episode 12: Welcome to Alancrest
- Episode 13: Grab A Feather And Get In Line
- Episode 14: Run Steven Staven! Run!
- Episode 15: Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It
- Episode 16: Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby
- Episode 17: Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries
- Episode 18: The 9:04 From Pemberton
- Episode 19: Big Episode: Someone Stole a Spoon
- Episode 20: Bazinga! That's From a TV Show
- Episode 21: Another Night With Neil Diamond
- Episode 22: My Bodacious Vidalia
- Episode 23: Cows, Prepare to Be Tipped
Season 11 Sep. 26, 2013
- Episode 1: Nangnangnangnang
- Episode 2: I Think I Banged Lucille Ball
- Episode 3: This Unblessed Biscuit
- Episode 4: Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank
- Episode 5: Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003
- Episode 6: Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants
- Episode 7: Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie
- Episode 8: Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room.
- Episode 9: Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer
- Episode 10: On vodka, on soda, on blender, on Mixer!
- Episode 11: Tazed In The Lady Nuts
- Episode 12: Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball.
- Episode 13: Bite Me, Supreme Court
- Episode 14: Three Fingers of Creme de Menthe
- Episode 15: Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin
- Episode 16: How to Get Rid of Alan Harper
- Episode 17: Welcome Home, Jake
- Episode 18: West Side Story
- Episode 19: Daddy's Got a Healthy Flavor Stick
- Episode 20: Lotta Delis in Little Armenia
- Episode 21: Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot
- Episode 22: Oh, WALD-E, Good Times Ahead
Season 12 Oct. 30, 2014
- Episode 1: The Ol' Mexican Spinach
- Episode 2: A Chic Bar in Ibiza
- Episode 3: Glamping in a Yurt
- Episode 4: Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight
- Episode 5: Oontz. Oontz. Oontz.
- Episode 6: Alan Shot a Little Girl
- Episode 7: Sex with an Animated Ed Asner
- Episode 8: Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey
- Episode 9: Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey
- Episode 10: Here I Come, Pants!
- Episode 11: For Whom the Booty Calls
- Episode 12: A Beer Battered Rip-Off
- Episode 13: Boompa Loved His Hookers
- Episode 14: Don't Give a Monkey a Gun
- Episode 15: Of Course He's Dead (1)
Two and a Half Men Season 12 Episode 13
Walden fears if he breaks up with Ms. McMartin, it will jeopardize his adoption of Louis. Also, Alan hesitates when Lyndsey asks him to move in with her.